This February feels like September. Not just because the year has already felt lonnnng. But because September is about making stuff happen! And that’s been the theme this month. A renewed energy for action, now that dreary January is over. Are you feeling it?
So let’s do it together…from the bottom up.
That’s how I pick fruit trees. From the bottom up. Yes, I realize that usually happens in September too. But stay with me…it’s been a wild 12 months. We can pick fruit in the spring.
Patiently. Slowly. Bottom. Up.
Look on the ground. Pick the fruit that’s fallen on the grass. This creates space for your goal. It often means physically cleaning up a work space, home or office. Getting rid of old things that drag us down. Remnants of the ‘ugh’ times we’ve come through. If we give this attention before attempting to climb toward the fruit at the top of the tree, we literally pave the way for success. This may take hours or days.
Then pick the low hanging fruit. These are the baby steps toward the goal – quick and requiring little energy. Together these usually take a full week or more. A little research. A conversation. Buying supplies. Scheduling time in the calendar. Telling someone we trust to help us stay accountable.
Only then pull out the ladder to start climbing toward the sweet goal at the top of the tree.
Pick just one goal to climb toward right now.
Capacity is LOW.
So pick wisely.
Get rid of the long list. Choose just one. What goal will have a significant impact on your life? On those around you? Big or small – no pressure. What might lighten you up? Plug you in? Lift you up? What do you want to create or contribute?
Here are the bottom up plans I’ve heard this month:
- land a new job: ask for resume feedback
- downscale the busy calendar: say no to multiple things
- register for a Masters program: first research options
- rigorously schedule recovery, connection and joy time: choose one thing every day just for you
- teach a webinar: by first sweeping the desk of backlogged paperwork
- live a more healthy and honest life: express and hold clearer boundaries
- grow the business: write a list of people to follow-up with then call one each day
When I pick from the bottom up, I honor my energy and give time to prepare. I create calm urgency rather than undue pressure.
The desire for action this February is real. Each coaching client and strategic planning group I work with is saying they want to get out of the rut, shake off stagnation, and feel purposeful. If you’re feeling that same stirring, I invite you to pick wisely.
The fruit at the top of my tree is to write more. So thanks for reading.
I want to be a part of your journey. Write me. Coach with me. Bring your team along. Let’s do this together.
And, as always, remember to… Breathe. Notice. Choose.
I’ve asked myself this question. Every single day. For months.
What now?
So many of us are repeating it. Aloud. Or in silence.
It’s in the tone of clients who phone me asking, ‘What now in my career? My relationship?‘ It’s in the eyes of strangers I pass at the grocery store, from 2 metres away, above the face mask. It’s embedded in the emails of leaders reaching out for strategic planning.
What now?
I keep waiting for a bolt of clarity. A day brimming with inspiration.
And then it comes in snippets. A moment of clarity. An hour of inspiration. Frankly, writing to you in those moments would feel false. Righteous.
So instead, I’ll share with you the questions. The ones I’ve been asking myself and my coaching clients for weeks and weeks. In the hopes that a slightly different question may help you put pencil to paper. To make a few markings on the ‘What now?’ page.
What do I want to experience now? Feel now?
How am I betraying myself now?
What is good now?
This pandemic is inspiring us [or forcing us] to change careers, relationships and habits. What can you choose right now toward the experience you want? The feeling you want? Don’t put pressure to map it all out. I have a hard time planning more than two weeks ahead right now. Be patient with yourself.
Dr. Sealy-Jefferson explains self-betrayal in a powerful way: we assume that silence, and keeping others comfortable, will insure some future positive potential outcome…when in reality, that person isn’t going to help us achieve that desired outcome. Are you willing to speak up for yourself? Watch her in action here.
And finally, what is GOOD now? Gratitude shifts our lens. My friend Darci Lang reminds me to focus on the 90% that’s good in my life rather than the 10% that’s not. Even in this pandemic when it feels like that 10% is swelling, noticing the good grounds me and helps me return to a little ‘joy, joy, joy, joy down in my heart!’ as Gramma used to sing. Darci’s 90% books may be just the shift you need – buy them here. Or watch her inspiring videos and hire her to lead a webinar for your team.
And, as always, remember to… Breathe. Notice. Choose.
So, ‘What now?’ for me – three things are emerging in my work:
- Lots of strategic planning with companies and leaders: it’s reset time! Through strategy planning, clients are creating clarity and new processes while working through old stuff that’s been dragging them down for years. Let’s talk.
- Shorter coaching series: instead of requiring clients to sign on for a full series, I’m working with you and your PD budget to offer coaching support through 2020 in smaller chunks. All of my coaching work is done over the phone or video so it suits the current environment perfectly. More here.
- Webinars to inspire, refresh and equip leaders and staff to thrive in this new era: check them out here.
I stared down at my shoes. I knew I wanted to say it. But the words weren’t coming. I could taste the awkward. I began to talk myself out of it.
And then I remembered what Krystal said.
I had never actually spoken to Krystal Withakay Lezard. But she spoke to me. As I sat quietly in the theatre awaiting the film screening of Us and Them (a compelling documentary on homelessness), onto the stage walked a gentle and captivating woman – an Indigenous artist introduced as ‘Krystal with a K’. Before playing her drum she invited us to… be brave. Have awkward conversations.
Powerful invitation.
All the awkward conversations of my life now raced through my mind. Asking for what I need. Giving tough feedback to an employee (or a peer). Sharing my truth.
I recalled hearing, years ago:
We don’t feel brave before we do a difficult thing: we just feel afraid.
We feel brave afterward.
So I lifted my eyes from my shoes. Took a deep breath. And said what I needed to say.
The weight lifted. Freedom!
So – what conversation are you avoiding? Do you have feedback to give, an apology to offer, or a burning question to ask?
To take away a little of the awkward, I’ll share 4 simple prompts to engage in a Conscious Conversation:
- I appreciate… (your strengths / struggles / that you’re here in this conversation – this is empathy)
- I notice… (say what you see without judgement)
- I need/expect/feel… (your ask or feedback or apology)
- What do you notice? (let’s talk – I’m listening)
I sometimes repeat that cycle multiple times before we’re complete. At other times it’s a short delivery and we’re done.
Yes, it’s awkward. And no, they may not agree with me. And yes, the anticipation nearly kills me every time. But as I leave the conversation I feel incredibly free.
As I coach Conscious Leaders to lean into such conversations they realize the enormous impact in moving THEM forward, their STAFF forward, and their PURPOSE forward.
It’s time to elevate.
Do it at home. Do it at work. Do it with grace and empathy.
And prepare to walk away feeling brave.
Ready for more Conscious Leadership – take Rhonda’s Leadership course in Kelowna, BC. Updated content and schedule now online. Don’t delay!
* Join me on Facebook and LinkedIn to elevate your leadership!
We don’t always mean to do it. We’re busy. Preoccupied with mental chatter, long lists and a buzzing phone.
Other times we’re just uncomfortable. So averting their eyes feels easier.
But did you know that being ignored is one of the most psychologically damaging experiences we can have as adults, according to Tom Rath’s research for his book Vital Friends.
It burns. In fact, when probed, the majority of people interviewed ranked it at the same level of pain as being bullied!
Are you conscious of who you’re ignoring?
Whether it’s an employee at the holiday Christmas party, a family member, or a homeless person you pass on the street – notice them.
- Put your phone down
- Make eye contact
- Smile – this will have a profound effect!
It’s time to elevate. To be conscious of the impact we have when we engage with people and when we don’t. As a conscious leader I challenge you to start a daily Walk About to really see the people you lead.
For new mini-training videos on Being Ignored, the Walk About and More visit our new YouTube page.
And join us in April 2019 for the Conscious Leadership series in Kelowna, BC.
Have a beautifully connected and present holiday!!
Join me on Facebook and LinkedIn and in the Blog conversation of this post to elevate your leadership.
Something sets them apart. Olympians. Wildly-successful leaders. And your zenned out neighbor. That something is rituals.
It’s not will power that brought them there. It’s one ritual at a time.
A ritual is a practice so important and ingrained in your life that you no longer need to think about it. So you give your brain a break, which makes you even more energized and focused.
Classic example is brushing my teeth. At no point have I awoken to the thought “I’d sure like to brush my teeth today. But I don’t know when I’ll fit it in??” No! Teeth brushing happens at the same time every day. No thinking required.
The same can’t be said for exercise, meditating or building rock-solid relationships with your team / boss / clients. Those stay on the treadmill of thinking about it. Or at least they did for me.
Solution – STOP thinking. Create a ritual. And make darn sure it’s LICT.
Legit Important. Carefully Timed. LICT!
Rituals fail when they are shoulds.
So no shoulds allowed. Choose something Legit Important to you. Does it feel fundamental to your well-being or success? (Pssst…if by success you mean moving up into a higher level leadership role, become certified as a Conscious Leader – join us now!)
It’s not even worth starting unless it’s Carefully Timed. Be ruthlessly honest about when, where and how you’ll do this.
Rituals fail when we allow no ramp up time.
So give ample time to set up and prepare: a week or more might be needed to lock it in your calendar, inform people, and even set up a physical space for this ritual. (This was especially key for me when I started my meditation ritual – I needed to create space at home where I wouldn’t be interrupted.) List what’s needed and schedule each of those pieces.
And don’t let anyone book over it. (This was essential when I began my leadership walkabouts as a supervisor).
Make your ritual sticky with this Olympic-level tip from the authors of The Power of Full Engagement (one of my go-to coaching tools):
…attach your new ritual to something already ritualized.
It’s easier to remember and has built-in structure this way. For instance, if you always take a tea/coffee break at 10:30, do your mini-meditation or walk-about check-in with staff/colleagues (a ritual of great leaders) right after.
In our Conscious Leadership program, the creation of rituals is one of the shifts that has BIG impact on students…
“The mindfulness rituals I’ve been practising are helping me be much more present at work and far less stressed. I no longer feel anxiety when I enter the building! My grounding rituals of deep breathing and feeling my toes are especially useful.”
– Mid-level manager
So…what ritual feels Legit Important to your success, wellness and vibrancy?? Choose just one and begin the ramp up now! Just imagine the break you’ll give your brain once you entrench that in your day or week.
Join me on Facebook and LinkedIn and in the Blog conversation of this post through the next month for great articles and tips on ritual building.
Ready to learn all the secrets of Conscious Leadership? Register for the Leadership course here. In just one year you can be prepped and certified for that next leap in your career! And all for just $4500 for a year of tuition (most students have the full fee paid by their employer).
Competence has been lurking around in the shadows. Are you ignoring it completely? Or unconsciously gripping onto it for dear life? Either way, it’s time to put competence in its place.
In a culture addicted to excellence, or it’s ugly sidekick ‘perfection’, competence doesn’t get a gold star rating. Yet, when we ignore it’s role, excellence actually alludes us.
Think of your last performance review. How much time was spent setting stretch goals to dramatically improve the areas you’re weak in? Likely all of it. Yet Marcus Buckingham has shown me time after time that…
putting all my attention on my weaknesses will actually make me gloriously average at everything!
Buuuut if I put even a little time and effort into improving the areas I’m strong in (those that give me energy) THAT is where I’ll achieve excellence.
When I coach leaders to do just that, they raise the same concern over and over: I still need my employees to get better at those things they’re not good at. The solution: set a target of competence for weak areas. Set a target of excellence for strong areas.
Most of us never even think about what competence could look like – we just blindly shoot for perfection everywhere. Think about your own work. And life. The thing you’re struggling to master. What would competence look like? Not every task needs to take on Olympic-training proportions.
When we consciously set a target of competence, we free up energy for those parts where we will really shine. Powerfully contribute. Change the world!
On the other end of the spectrum we have the grippers. A huge barrier to making lasting change, at work or in life, is gripping onto the comfort of competence.
I know how to do it this way.
I look smart and efficient when I do it this way.
The idea of reverting to the status of newbie instead of being the go-to-person is a giant turn-off. So we unconsciously grip onto our own competence for dear life. After all, competence brings with it a sense of certainty that comforts us. And, unfortunately, keeps us stuck in one place rather than growing and evolving.
Stephen Jenkinson says this on the making of human culture (which I would argue is what each of us are actually ‘making’ as leaders, parents, and conscious adults):
“The culture I know well doesn’t believe in learning…
It rewards certainty, it rewards competence…
So how do you subvert knowledge and certainty when people have it?
So that learning gets a chance to appear?
How do you do it?
And the answer is, sometimes you have to craft a circumstance in which certainty is shown to have the kind of limited broadcast bandwidth that it has.
It’s just not that big an achievement to be sure of yourself.”
Because when you are stubbornly certain of how to do something, you’re not truly open to changing it. In that moment you forget the evolutionary element of humanity: one thing dies before something else grows in its place.
“Can you set certainty aside, and instead nurse several, often contending, takes on things at the same time without collapsing into a decision in favor of one and banishing the others?”
To do so is a skill. It is the skill of learning. It will bring you into powerful presence. Make you more creative. So you can lead at work. And in your life.
Releasing the grip on competence opens us to healthy change and bigger impact.
Join Rhonda next week in Kelowna when she unveils her Conscious Leadership program. Details and registration to the no-cost event at 1pm on June 12th are here.
Can’t make the event, but want to know more? Read about the course here and email Rhonda to discuss attending the 2019 program or bringing her into your organization to teach all your leaders.
We ask it to make small talk. To commiserate. To imply success. “So…are you keeping busy?” Yet in the asking we perpetuate the culture of busy. The culture of more. The culture of speed.
I used to answer “Yes, yes, soooo busy…and you?” They would, of course, nod and list the MANIA that was their afternoon. And the busy-one-upmanship would begin.
Then I stopped nodding yes. I started saying, “No. I’m not busy.”
The reactions varied – shock, confusion, jealousy, pity. They assumed I must not be successful. Or maybe I was sick. Or on sabbatical. None of which was true.
No. I’m not busy. And yes, my life is full. And these are the wonderful parts. And if you care to hear, these are the struggling parts today.
I began to unbusy myself. To stop adding more. To make an argument for slow within my day.
And you can too.
Yes, I realize you have commitments. To all kinds of people and places. So it might not change overnight. I’ve been at it for years.
And parts of it can actually change overnight.
Slow is just another pathway to presence.
I draw on the philosophy of the slow-movements popping up. For instance, the slow food movement showed us the value of cooking slow and eating slow.
That’s what vacation does for us. We eat slow. We talk slow. We dance slow.
We can create a little of that vacation zen by down-shifting the speed here and now.
So, how might that look today? Notice what jumps out of these seven-slow-suggestions:
- Can you slow the pace of one conversation?
- Finally say NO to multi-tasking. It’s out-dated.
- Can you slow the pace of your breath? Take 3 deep ones right now.
- Say NO to just one activity that is over-filling your plate this week. Create space for slow.
- Can you put down your phone? It’s not as important as you think.
- Slow the pace of one meal. Sit. Chew. Talk.
- Start your very own slow walking movement. Slow conversation movement. Even if you’re the only card-carrying member for now.
Maybe it means starting just a little earlier so there isn’t a need for speed. If we take away the rush we allow opportunity to breathe.
At the surface we crave social media, sugar, shopping – the 3Ss – or another distraction of your choice.
But underneath that we have a deeper craving for quiet, connection, calm.
Don’t wait for a vacation. Create that now. Today.
Breathe. Notice. Choose.
Did you know…
Rhonda delivers leadership training in-house. From a single half-day session to a full 12 part series on Conscious Leadership. Does your leadership team need a boost in engagement? Skill building in recovering when we’re triggered, conflict competence, and delegation best practices to name a few. More detail here. Or email Rhonda to arrange a phone chat to set it up for your workplace.
If your pattern of giving ends in burn-out or bitter-out, it’s time for an upgrade.
As a coach I’ve witnessed over and over how we need clear boundaries to sustain balance. Or respectful working relationships. Or a healthy body and present mind.
But in an interview with Brené Brown, I leaned into her noticing that we can’t sustain compassion without boundaries. We must put the boundary first, and then the compassion (and the giving) is genuine. Sustainable. Wholehearted.
For many of us, this flies in the face of how we’ve thought of a boundary. As something that separates. Makes us less approachable, connected, and of service to others.
But what if it’s not. What if a boundary is actually the foundation of respect that we stand on to mutually support and thrive? As leaders, friends, or parents.
If your pattern of giving ends in burn-out or bitter-out, it’s time for an upgrade.
Let Brené Brown’s definition of boundaries soak in for a moment – what is okay…and what is not okay for me.
Simply put. Yet for many of us, drawing that line in the sand is very difficult.
So how can we download this upgrade?
To set, state and stick to our boundaries we begin by asking these questions…
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Where am I giving more than is healthy for me?
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What is not sustainable the way I’m doing it now?
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What is not okay for me?
You might notice ways that you are being disrespected: your time, your ideas, your space.
We can’t expect others to honour us, if we can’t first honour ourselves.
So start there. How will you honour yourself today? With sleep or rest. With 10 deep breaths right now. With a walk outside.
Perhaps you will honour yourself by saying “Thank you and no. Not right now. Not this week.”
There is no need to dance around or soften your boundary. Add please and thank you – that’s all it needs.
And if speaking your boundary still feels like way too much, notice the standard you are holding yourself to. Does it smell vaguely of perfection?
You are more than the patterns you have created. Breaking an unhealthy pattern will not break who you are.
Remember, the value you bring to the world and to your relationships is deeper than that. Consciously upgrade your definition of giving to = respect first and then wholehearted giving.
Sink into your heart space. Remember the wisdom and strength within. You are whole.
Breathe – Notice – Choose.
Rhonda’s Picks – Stocking Stuffers Filled with Presence
Each of these three tiny books is special to me (and fit neatly in a stocking or as Chanukah gifts numbers 1, 2 and 3). Darci Lang’s Focus on the 90% is an inspiring, story-packed read on how to focus on the 90% that is good in our lives and let go of the 10% struggles. Darci has been a mentor and friend to me for years and I am grateful for her reminder that we always have choice! The Four Agreements is required reading for many of my coaching clients as they begin their journey into presence. I have read my copy dozens of times. And I share Modern Tales of Ancient Wisdom with you as a tool to return to presence in this chaotic world we live in, as we access more fully our wise higher self.
Sending you all love and light this holiday season!
Did you know…
Most of Rhonda’s clients have their company pay for coaching out of the training and development budget. Customized one-on-one coaching brings HUGE value for PD dollars, especially if communication, leadership, presence, and influence are on your list of goals. We’ve launched a new Leadership Coaching model that kicks off with a 2 hour super-session. Then 9 months of powerful 1-on-1 sessions. All by phone. Or in person if you live in Kelowna, BC. Email to request an inquiry conversation.
The question hung in the air. I struggled to answer my coach.
But that’s not new. Whether asked where I want to go for dinner, or what I want in BIG areas of life, the answer is often the same.
I don’t know.
My coach this time wasn’t a live person in front of me. It was an audio book of Albert Bernstein’s Emotional Vampires – dealing with people who drain you dry.
I had reached for it to further my research on emotional intelligence. But it gave me a tonne of insight into myself. And (spoiler alert) I think it might do the same for you.
Not to say that either of us is a full-blown emotional vampire. But whether you’re leading a team, connecting with dear friends, or parenting (psssst – our online Conscious Parenting course has launched!!):
Your unaddressed emotional baggage is leaking out onto them.
And who wants that!
After integrating the material, here’s what I’m taking away:
• Stop saying I don’t know. STOP! You do know. You’re just avoiding seeing it (and saying it) because you’re afraid it’s out of reach, or you don’t want to say something that might make someone else uncomfortable.
• Get a little uncomfortable. It’s how we grow. Be honest with yourself – is it safe now to do this? If so – do it!
• Get really clear on your expectations of others. Then ask if those are fair. If so – say them. Today.
• It’s not being bossy if you say please and thank you.
• When you don’t verbalize what you want, it will leak out. And it will border on passive aggressive.
• Do you think you’re the smartest person in the room? You might be. And thinking it will leak out. And it will border on perfectionism.
• Big things happen when we have creative ideas PLUS a willingness to do boring things. Most of us lack the latter. Is it time to notice that your hurtle to success is the stubborn avoidance of important yet boring tasks?
Don’t be scared off by the labels. The author reminds us:
We all have a little of these shadow behaviors within us.
In many ways they keep us alive and thriving.
For instance, a little perfectionism means we do high-quality work. A little narcissism means we have healthy self-care. We all have a shadow self. That’s not the problem.
Unwillingness to see our shadow self is the problem. That’s when it can take over and evolve into vampire-ness. So see yours with empathy. And then choose otherwise. Choose to speak your mind, or listen to someone else or practice patience or do the boring thing that will lead to change.
As our planet reels with the blows of shadow-self chaos this week, I invite you to choose with consciousness. What do you really want? For you? Your community? The planet?
Breathe – NOTICE – Choose.
It’s finally here!! We’ve just launched the conscious parenting course – hours of video clips, broken into easy to digest 5 minute chunks. Start by October 25 and receive the free bonus live online Q&A program with Rhonda! See more on the Conscious Parenting Course here.
The question came after a long deep breathe. “How do I know when I’m done?”
He was talking about his job. Should he stay or go? Later that week another client asked the same question, but about her employee – should she keep coaching him or cut him loose? And days later, another. Only this time she was asking about her dating relationship.
I call each of these experiences an Energetic Contract. Whether it’s in a paid job, volunteer role, or even a relationship, there is a natural life span to each experience.
Ignore the signs that the contract is complete,
and the signs become louder. More dramatic.
We burn out. Become bitter. Get fired.
Our Energetic Contracts have chapters, much like the morning, afternoon and evening of a long spring day. At the end of that ‘day’ you choose (consciously or otherwise) if you end or renew the contract for another day, albeit with changes to the fine print.
Can you notice now if the sun is setting on this contract, or rising for renewal?
The morning of a contract is filled with learning from those around me – there is excitement in the newness of it all. Adventure, challenge, even steep learning curves. We feel this in fresh relationships too – the thrill of getting to know a new partner or friend.
The afternoon of a contract is about expansion. In this phase of a job I’ve built enough expertise that I can now contribute more powerfully. My learning shifts inward. To notice my old patterns – to release – to unlearn. In relationships I’m opening to more emotional intimacy. Then comes the triggering. My old stories come back up to poke me because they are ready to be released.
Can I choose to release them?
Can I choose to let the sun set on an old cyclical thought pattern to make space for the next greatest version of myself to rise up?
The evening of a contract is for integration. At work that might include mentoring, systemizing, or building legacy. In relationship this is when my gaze shifts from inward growth to ‘seeing’ the relationship as an entity separate from me and you. A living creature that has grown, evolved and changed. How do I fit with this creature now? How do I tend to it? What does it need?
The goal for me on this journey is to cultivate self-awareness of where I’m at in the lifespan of that contract. And then courageously choose when to end it…or renew it with evolved terms of reference. Terms that are in my highest good and the highest good of those I’m connected to.
We always have choice. Breathe. Notice. Choose.
DID YOU KNOW…?
Online courses are coming! On Conscious Parenting, Conscious Coaching and Conscious Leadership. MORE HERE.
We’ve launched a new Leadership Coaching model that kicks off with a 2 hour super-session. Then 6 months of powerful 1-on-1 sessions. All by phone. Or in person if you live in Kelowna, BC. Email to request an inquiry conversation. Best PD investment you’ll ever make.
APP TO HELP YOU BREATHE INTO THE MOMENT
I would never have built a mindfulness ritual without help. My clients are loving www.Calm.com as a tool to sink into presence. One skeptic told me weeks after I shared it “I can’t hear it enough! I even convinced my wife to do it.” Try the free meditations or listen to the soothing sounds to come into presence.